Sex & Drugs

From the very first time our sex life was… nothing to rave about. Really and truly this should have been my cue to leave! Sex is a massive part of a relationship and without it there is always going to be some kind of emptiness and void no matter how much you think you love someone.

We had sex daily for about the first two weeks of our relationship. Then it dwindled down to every couple of days. Then by the end of the first month down to NOTHING! (i will blog more about this later)

The sex never lasted long 5mins at most, 10 if i were lucky! But when it was there it was intense and loving in a way that i had never felt before. It just didnt actually rock my world, physically.

I couldn’t understand why he could never last long…

I had suspected from the start that he was or may have dabbled in cocaine. The first time i went to his flat i found a rolled up note on the sofa. I handed it to him like it was loose change and didnt question anything. Straight away i was given some elaborate story of how his dad used to rolls notes up and how he now does it for stress relief when he anxious. I had no reasons to doubt him. Although my gut told me otherwise.

Iv never really been around drugs or drug users im pretty anti-drug myself (and he knew this) but each to their own.

I noticed that when we would meet each other after a long day in the office (to which i might add he would have had hardly any sleep because he would have been working at his lap top) I questioned how he could have so much energy after such a long day in the office. He always said he was just happy and excited to be back with me, because he hated it when we were apart..

As with all come downs following drug use (as i later learned thanks to google!) the excitement would wear down, the sweats and flu like symptoms would arrive and poof the following day would be a right off as he slept of ‘the flu’.

Given that i was with him near enough every single night from our first meet, i never once saw him ‘using’ I actually think that he may have stopped or at least cut down on his use after i had mentioned his ‘erratic excitement’ I kept my eyes peels in the weeks to follow and never once do i think he was away from me long enough to sneak anything past me.. perhaps he did during the day whilst i was at work, but im unsure as the ‘excitement to me’ had soon faded.

There were several times that he would out of the blue ‘accuse’ me of cheating or talking to other men. He was particularly paranoid about snap chat. These accusations would arise when i was out for dinner with my friends, and a couple of times whilst i was in america for a family wedding to which he was meant to join me for, but unable to last minute. Again because of ‘work’

Each time these random accusations would arise i would be completely dumbfounded and fly into a panic. I had no idea where or how they would come about. Actually i do, it was the paranoia that came with the use of cocaine. One night i decided to stay at mine. He had said he had loads of work to do, so i figured there would be no point in me staying with him and he could get more done without me there to distract him. I planned to meet up with a couple of the girls for dinner, and when i told him he flew off the handle, refused to talk to me and switched off his phone. In a panic i cancelled dinner and went to his flat to see him. Luckily i had bumped into his neighbour as i got out of the uber, and he let me into the block. so all i had to do was knock. otherwise i suspect i would have been kept outside, as Darren never answered the door to anyone he wasnt expecting.

As he opened the door he was cool and calm asked me what i was doing there. As if he hadnt just behaved completely irrationally!? I said to him i needed to make sure he was ok. And that we were ok… as i couldn’t take that he had locked off all contact. He said he thought that the reason i was wanted to stay home the night was to meet up with another man. I knew that was what he was thinking and i was glad to be able to prove him others wise. He was sweaty and his eyes were somewhat glazed over. I knew he had been ‘using’ but he said he was sorry for over reacting and that my actions proved how much i cared about him. He said he wasn’t used to that as all of his exs previously had never done anything like that before for him.

Despite the paranoia and unreasonable accusations, i love him. so i stayed. In my eyes no one had ever been ‘worried’ about me cheating on them before, i saw it as a sign of his love for me.

Too Good to Be True?

Right from that first kiss we were inseparable.. We spent all day and all night together basking in simply being next to each other after such a long time of longing to be together..

Was he too good to be true..? In my eyes here was a man that wanted me so much he spent nearly two years persisting for my attention. And it turned out he was in fact everything i had ever wished for in a man. How lucky were we to have gone two years without realising we were meant to be together. He regularly used to state that we were soul mates and how everything happens for a reason, including us both taking our time to reach each other and be at a point in both our lives where we were ready for the real thing. He understood that when he first came along i had not long come out of a relationship. I understood (or at least tried-it still niggled at me that he was never completely there and vanished randomly and often because he was with someone else) when he explained his reason was down to ‘work’ keeping him busy and not feeling that anyone was worth the effort of disrupting it and that when someone worthy came along he would make them a priority (sound familiar?)

He was handsome (albeit much skinnier than the usual type that i am attracted to) he dressed so sharp, witty charming and confident. Had a good job and a very extravagant lifestyle because of it (the man could easily take home 12K a WEEK from work – which he regularly showed me!) Whilst we were out women would turn their heads to look at him. Waitresses would literally drop trays having lost concentration because of his presence. It was insane. But he was mine so it never bothered me.

He said our relationship would be the kind that every on looker would be envious of. How we would be the ultimate power couple and have it all. He was encouraging with my career. Having both become home owners at a young age (age of 20. Im 32 and he 36) we both knew what it was like to have big responsibilities at a young age and have to live on a very tight budget in order to meet the financial responsibilities of owning a home, solo and so young. This was another thing we had in common.  Obviously through the years his work meant that he didnt have to live like that anymore. He never counted money and i would always find random notes of cash just discarded like an old receipt around his flat. This man had no limitations. And he wanted me in his world to share all the things that he enjoyed with him.

The amount that we shared in common was astounding. Countless times he would say ‘we are more alike than I could ever have imagined. We’re meant to be’

Early on in the relationship as in the first week (in fact even before our first meet) the I love yous came pretty soon. Actually i remember one morning after i had left him to go to work he called me (this was normal, calls throughout the day even) he asked me ‘did i hear you correctly last night when we were making love?’

I literally had no idea what he was talking about and wondered if i had made some kind of bodily noises (haha)

According to him, whilst we made love the night before i had whispered the words ‘i love you’ to him… and he had said them back to me (this would have been the first time id said it) but i couldn’t remember?! i didn’t think i did? im sure i didn’t!? My walls have always been up with those three words whenever iv been in a relationship and iv never said them first to anyone before… could i really have been that in love that i had blurted it out? My confusion was clear and he sounded disappointed. Which made me feel overcome with guilt.

Later on that day i was replying to one of many email exchanges and told him ‘i love you’ After that we wouldn’t go a day without saying it to each other.

I was so happy and content; i felt loved, wanted and understood more than i ever had done before in my life. This was the man i was going to spend my life with. And he wanted to spend his with me too.

The First Meet

The morning of the 5th Feb 2017 had finally arrived. Darren caught his flight from HK on the 4th and was due to land in the early hours of the morning. I had planned to surprise him at the airport as i had all of his flight details to hand.. but there had been some kind of flooding at his flat in Aldgate whilst he was away which he had waiting to be dealt with on his return. We hadn’t wanted to waste any more time waiting and had planned to see each other as soon as he landed and go for breakfast. But we decided it would be better for him to get back, sort out the chaos in his flat and then meet later that morning for brunch.

Into the Uber i got, it was about 9am and I had been out for a friend Hen Do the night previously so i was pretty tired, not ideal but nothing could damper my excitement. I had butterflies in my stomach the entire journey – a mere 20mins.

Typically the uber driver dropped me off in the wrong part of Petty Coat Lane so i had to call Darren to come and find me in the middle of the market. It was one of those ‘i can see you!’ but i couldn’t see him moments… and then there he was right there in front of me. There wasn’t any doubt in my mind at that precise moment that i wasn’t exactly where i was meant to be with the person i was meant to be with i was happy. inside and out. As soon as we were in front of each other we kissed. And it felt amazing. From that moment on we were inseparable…

The Chase

So where better place to start than the beginning… the chase.

I hadn’t long been single when Darren first cropped up on the scene (I wont give him an alias)

We’d got chatting on a very well known dating app… TINDER in Feb 2015. Back then it was relatively new as apposed to the stigma attached to it nowadays.

We chatted and got on like a house on fire from the get go. Eventually we swapped contact numbers and things seemed to continue going well for a couple of weeks. I had noticed that he would only be in contact in the middle of the night and remember questioning him about it even back then. He was (is) a free lance IT consultant and said it was down to his working hours.

Anyway long story short..

He would ask to take me out, but always put the pressure on ‘give me a time and a date and il get a table booked’ Iv never been one to crack under the pressure especially when its being put on me by a man being pushy and demanding. Anyhow, he’d vanish for a few months then hey presto, appear again out of no where and strike up conversation again. This cycle would continue to happen over the space of the following year 18months. We’d always get on so well just like the previous times, then after about a day or so of contact he would ask to take me out again.

I would always be open and honest and politely decline his offer for that moment. My reasoning (to which i would explain to him) was that as much as we got on he couldn’t just vanish, reappear after months and expect me to jump as soon as he clicked his fingers.

And so the cycle continued. Fast forward to October 2016…

BLEEP…  ‘someone added you on snapchat’ It was Darren. I courteously accepted and added him back. Right away he messaged me.  I couldn’t quite understand why he would message me on snapchat and not directly on whatsapp as he had usually done previously..

By this time something in me had changed; Before he even had the chance to ask for a date. I very openly asked him what he wanted?  I was quite firm stating quite bluntly in a number of message exchanges;

why are you back?

what do you want from me?

you appear, we get on, then you vanish. you are never going to get a date from me because id never involve myself with someone that wasn’t consistent..

I voiced that i found it suspicious how he only made contact in the middle of the night and how he would vanish and cease contact out of the blue.

I’m very clear and precise with my thoughts and feelings and if i feel someone is trying to pull the wool over my eyes i will call them out on it also.

He again said it was work and that there was nothing to be suspicious about at all. He worked Something in me wanted to believe him. After all who persists for almost two years?

We continued talking. Soon we were talking about all of our hopes and dreams.. he had asked me what i wanted out of a relationship. i openly listed it all. All of the things i wanted in a man, all of the things i did not. I also explained that any man that wanted me to take time out of my life to spend with him, even just of an evening for a date, would have to prove his worth. And by that i meant consistency.

I lead a pretty busy life, work, friends, family, big gym goer etc etc.. Id spent many a years loosing weight previously and my routine of lifestyle ensures that i never go backwards from my goals and find myself back at square one.

He listened and was attentive and said that he would make an effort to be more consistent and prove to me he was truly interested in taking things forward.

Again he vanished but it wasn’t for long a few days if that. Moving forward to December 2016… he was still being attentive, messaging when the sun was up and from what i could see things appeared to be different. He had to go away for work for a couple of weeks and over that time i didn’t hear from him. When he returned it was xmas time. And my birthday. and i heard from him on both.

I remember New Years Eve, he was in contact through the evening and into the new year… by this point i was still expecting him to do another vanishing act. But he didn’t.

Into the new year we continue contact, phone calls texting etc on a now daily basis. Things had changed! He was different. The more we spoke the more we had in common. The more he became to be exactly what i had been waiting for my whole adult life up to that point. How had we let almost two years pass when we were so well matched?! both of us would ask this question to each other many a time.

There came a point where i was away (for a week) and by the time i returned he had to fly out to HK for business for two weeks this was a week or two into the new year) we had both agreed to see each other as soon as he was back from his business trip and that we would keep in contact until then. Which we did. Constant texts, calls and emails (he even had my work contact so we didn’t have to go too long without hearing from each other) for the duration of his trip, despite the 7hr time difference, we made it work, and we were hooked on each other both excited for his return on the 5th Feb… he’d even blurted out those three words a couple of times on the phone… we hadn’t even met! But i could feel myself feeling the same way back, although i never said it back to him..

 

Intro

After years of heartbreak from past relationships I thought my time had finally arrived and that I had found “the one”. Everything I had ever wanted in a partner. My soul mate.
Turns out I was wrong; I’d just got hooked by a predator and became victim of a real life sociopath.
Ive decided to start blogging/documenting as a way of mentally releasing all of the thoughts that’s have been crashing around in my head since the realisation hit me (approx 11days ago) that my boyfriend is an actual sociopath. It’s a delicate subject to voice out loud. Not many people understand it. Least of all know such a thing exisits! Plus there’s only so much frustration that the handful of people in my life that I have told can handle before they start throttling me!
In blogging and telling my story maybe it might be of some help/support to anyone out there that might have stumbled across this page who have also fallen victim to this type of predator; you are not alone.