From the very first time our sex life was… nothing to rave about. Really and truly this should have been my cue to leave! Sex is a massive part of a relationship and without it there is always going to be some kind of emptiness and void no matter how much you think you love someone.

We had sex daily for about the first two weeks of our relationship. Then it dwindled down to every couple of days. Then by the end of the first month down to NOTHING! (i will blog more about this later)

The sex never lasted long 5mins at most, 10 if i were lucky! But when it was there it was intense and loving in a way that i had never felt before. It just didnt actually rock my world, physically.

I couldn’t understand why he could never last long…

I had suspected from the start that he was or may have dabbled in cocaine. The first time i went to his flat i found a rolled up note on the sofa. I handed it to him like it was loose change and didnt question anything. Straight away i was given some elaborate story of how his dad used to rolls notes up and how he now does it for stress relief when he anxious. I had no reasons to doubt him. Although my gut told me otherwise.

Iv never really been around drugs or drug users im pretty anti-drug myself (and he knew this) but each to their own.

I noticed that when we would meet each other after a long day in the office (to which i might add he would have had hardly any sleep because he would have been working at his lap top) I questioned how he could have so much energy after such a long day in the office. He always said he was just happy and excited to be back with me, because he hated it when we were apart..

As with all come downs following drug use (as i later learned thanks to google!) the excitement would wear down, the sweats and flu like symptoms would arrive and poof the following day would be a right off as he slept of ‘the flu’.

Given that i was with him near enough every single night from our first meet, i never once saw him ‘using’ I actually think that he may have stopped or at least cut down on his use after i had mentioned his ‘erratic excitement’ I kept my eyes peels in the weeks to follow and never once do i think he was away from me long enough to sneak anything past me.. perhaps he did during the day whilst i was at work, but im unsure as the ‘excitement to me’ had soon faded.

There were several times that he would out of the blue ‘accuse’ me of cheating or talking to other men. He was particularly paranoid about snap chat. These accusations would arise when i was out for dinner with my friends, and a couple of times whilst i was in america for a family wedding to which he was meant to join me for, but unable to last minute. Again because of ‘work’

Each time these random accusations would arise i would be completely dumbfounded and fly into a panic. I had no idea where or how they would come about. Actually i do, it was the paranoia that came with the use of cocaine. One night i decided to stay at mine. He had said he had loads of work to do, so i figured there would be no point in me staying with him and he could get more done without me there to distract him. I planned to meet up with a couple of the girls for dinner, and when i told him he flew off the handle, refused to talk to me and switched off his phone. In a panic i cancelled dinner and went to his flat to see him. Luckily i had bumped into his neighbour as i got out of the uber, and he let me into the block. so all i had to do was knock. otherwise i suspect i would have been kept outside, as Darren never answered the door to anyone he wasnt expecting.

As he opened the door he was cool and calm asked me what i was doing there. As if he hadnt just behaved completely irrationally!? I said to him i needed to make sure he was ok. And that we were ok… as i couldn’t take that he had locked off all contact. He said he thought that the reason i was wanted to stay home the night was to meet up with another man. I knew that was what he was thinking and i was glad to be able to prove him others wise. He was sweaty and his eyes were somewhat glazed over. I knew he had been ‘using’ but he said he was sorry for over reacting and that my actions proved how much i cared about him. He said he wasn’t used to that as all of his exs previously had never done anything like that before for him.

Despite the paranoia and unreasonable accusations, i love him. so i stayed. In my eyes no one had ever been ‘worried’ about me cheating on them before, i saw it as a sign of his love for me.

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